and you said cock pushups were impossible
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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