I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
