words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
