non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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