i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
