At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize