I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
