This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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