i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
