I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
