i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
