I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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