I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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