Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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