I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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