dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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