where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
