I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
