Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
