There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
