help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
