Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
