Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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