I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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