You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
