Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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