Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
