It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
