Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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