i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
