Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
