OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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