the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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