They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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