In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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