I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
