I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just invented taco cereal.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
