So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
