when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize