when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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