I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
