Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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