seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
