I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
3pm strippers are depressing
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize