My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
