The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
