So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Randomize
