i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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