Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Panties = found
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