Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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