dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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