my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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