i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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