u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
