I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
