I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
