there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
