fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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