who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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