I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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