last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
