Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
